"The misguided desire of a narcissistic military scientist brings about the creation of a narcotic with the premise of world peace, however his pursuit of global mind control is in danger when a human test subject re-awakens from the zombie like state."- by
lewisricekrispy-----
How about:
“When a test subject reawakens from a narcotic that flatlines people’s emotions, he must stop a military scientist from [dispersing the drug by airburst over Tehran in the name of world peace.]”
The problem is, you left out the protagonist’s goal. I added an example.
Refocusing the LL on the protag is easier if you can describe specific goals for both hero and villain — or one of them, at least, because we can infer the other. The two goals are likely to be perfectly inverted.
BAD GUY: wants to subdue the enemy “in the name of world peace”. We understand what a crazy, misguided goal this is without stating outright he’s “narcissistic.”
GOOD GUY: We understand the story will run all the way up to that final decisive event: the airburst. There’s our climax. Sometimes it can be counterproductive to include the final showdown in the LL. Spoilers. But here I think it works by counterpointing “in the name of world peace.”
So, go back and add in your own explicit protag goal. What does the hero want?
