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Title: Spec Sale: SECURITY by John Sullivan Post by: Pitchpatch on January 24, 2014, 09:39 AM Bee-in-my-bonnet time.
The logline (http://gointothestory.blcklst.com/2014/01/spec-script-sale-security.html): "A security guard must protect a female witness from a gang of thugs in a mall after communication is knocked out from storm." I googled, because I figured it had to be a misquote, that "is knocked out from storm." But that's the quoted logline I saw everywhere on the net. If we're following that pattern, why not: "A security guard must protect female witness from gang of thugs in mall after communication is knocked out from storm." Mongo like! I'm gonna slot that "a" back in there, so I can quit straining to scratch that itch: Again, the logline: "A security guard must protect a female witness from a gang of thugs in a mall after communication is knocked out from a storm." That's 23 words. I gave the logline author a freebie on the inserted "a". Okay. The logline does the job. I believe it can be better. It has a disjointed, passive feel to it. I'll try to fix that. "A mall security guard must defend a female witness from thugs when a storm knocks out all communication." Down to 18 words. By shifting "mall" adjacent to "security guard" we've implied the setting in one neat package without extra words. The verb "protect" is fine, but for me "defend" feels a wee bit more active and punchy. Maybe there's a better verb out there or maybe "protect" needs no fluffing. Whatever floats your boat. I sliced "a gang of thugs" to simply "thugs" on the assumption most people associate thugs with gangs. No meaning lost, so take the shorter path. I switched the storm/communications bit to active: subject, verb, object. It just reads better, IMO. Spec-sale congrats to screenwriter John Sullivan. |