Title: The Best of Adam Sharp

Writer: Graeme Simsion, @GraemeSimsion

Logline: A man (Adam) on the cusp of fifty is restless as his marriage has gone stale. He can’t quite forget a romance he had twenty years ago with an intelligent and strong-willed woman named Angelina Brown who taught him what it meant to find — and then lose — love. Out of the blue, he gets a one word email from Angelina. He responds and his life takes a significant turn.

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Without further ado...

Logline: A man in a stale marriage turns fifty and still can't forget the woman from his past who taught him how to love.  When out of the blue she sends him a one-word email, he…

He "responds."  Are you super-excited for this LL now?  Jumping out of your seat, brain frothing with story possibilities?  He "responds."  That's the promise of the premise.  That's the key action filling this logline's tank.  He "responds."

No. HELL NO!

Logline: A man in a stale marriage turns fifty and still can't forget the woman from his past who taught him how to love.  When out of the blue she sends him a one-word email, he takes a thousand-mile road trip through hell to deliver his one-word response.

Except...

Genre: Romantic Drama

Fine.  Fine.  No road trip.  No "Give 'em hell, son."

He responds and his life takes a significant turn.

But I'm not taking down the McAfee.

Title: World Breaker

Writer: Joshua Rollins

Logline: In a not-too-distant future, Earth is under attack from creatures from an alternate world, bent on humanity’s destruction. A father hides his 14-year-old daughter on an island to avoid her conscription in the all-female army and escape the war, but nowhere is truly safe.

There's a very cool idea half buried in this LL: an interdimensional war fought by women only -- perhaps even girls only.  That's the second pillar supporting this premise; the first is the alternate-world invaders.  Those two big ideas leave scant room for our LL usual suspects.  What's the real story here?  What takes up most of the screen time?  One of two things: either she's found and drummed into the army by the end of the first act, or at that same turning point the war comes to her on the island.  Joshua's LL leans toward the second, I think, courtesy of "but nowhere is truly safe."

Anyway, I won't disturb the LL's content -- those two pillars.  But I will cut a fresh path between then, and trim the weeds as I go...

Logline: In the near future, after creatures from an alternate world attack Earth, a father hides his daughter so she won't be conscripted into humanity's only defense: an all-female army.

That really zings, because it begs the question: How come only women can fight these invaders?  Do the invaders have a way to render human males powerless?  Or do the invaders share a fatal weakness that can be exploited by one gender alone?

If the story is indeed premised on an exclusive army of teen girls then I would return the significant "14-year-old daughter" bit.

Title: Fragment

Writers: Noah Griffith @NoahVariety, Daniel Stewart @thenarrator314

Logline: An Air Force jet breaks up over the desert. A mysterious radio beacon draws the pilot from the crash site. A discovery is waiting. And it is not of this Earth.

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A good example of innocent ambiguity.  "A mysterious radio beacon draws the pilot from the crash site."  Answer me this: is the beacon drawing the pilot toward the crash site or away from it?  Thanks to "from the crash site" we can reasonably argue both.  

- The pilot ejects, watches his disintegrating plane spiral down toward a big sand dune.  After safely parachuting to the desert floor, his banged-up helmet radio squawks from a weird radio beacon.  He follows the signal to the big dune his jet slammed into…

- The pilot ejects, watches her disintegrating plane spiral down.  After safely parachuting to the desert floor, she reunites with her wrecked jet to salvage radio comms.  The radio's banged up and useless -- other than pinging a weird beacon.  She follows the signal to a big sand dune that almost looks manmade...

See?  We can interpret it both ways without stretching credulity.  That's not good.  Ambiguity brings readers to a dead stop while they try to figure out what the writer intended.  Got to eliminate that confusion.

Look, this is not a logline that wants to hook you with plot specifics.  It's all about the tease, the promise of a nifty sci-fi story.  I'm not going to rewrite it to include the usual elements.  It requires three things only: crashed pilot, strange beacon, otherworldly discovery...

Logline: After an air force jet crashes in the desert, a mysterious radio beacon leads the pilot to a discovery not of this earth.

That's it.  That's all you need.  If you have one of these "trust me, this will be cool" loglines, don't try to puff it up with fancy clothes.  It is what it is.  Let it stand plain and tall.

Oh, and the change to capitalization?  Proper nouns.  "U.S. Air Force" -- that you capitalize.  "Earth" is much trickier, but I believe "this" works the same as "the" to make "earth" a common noun.

This is neat: the writers produced a short teaser for it.  Well, there's my question answered.

Title: Body Cam

Writer: Richmond Riedel

Logline: Several LAPD officers are haunted by a malevolent spirit that is tied to the murder of a black youth at the hands of two white cops… all of which was caught on a body cam video that was destroyed in a cover up.

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We just witnessed a felony crime against readability.  Not on my watch.  I'm arresting 23 words.  The rest are free to go.

Logline: A malevolent spirit haunts four white cops after they kill a black youth and destroy the incriminating body cam video.

Title: Darker Saints

Writer: Tony Kayden

Logline: A female FBI forensics expert is called in to assist the police in profiling a vicious serial killer. She is stunned to discover that this killer is wiping out the entire female bloodline of another family — her own — and she’s his next victim.

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Too eager to reach the reveal, this LL trips over its shoelaces.  I think the problem lies with "another family."  It comes right before "her own."  The two ideas, clumped together like this, give us no time to understand each individually, that: (1) the killer previously wiped out the entire female bloodline of one or more families; (2) her family is his new victim.  The first element supports our understanding of the second.   I'm going to put some thinking room between them:

Logline: FBI forensics expert Donna thinks a killer is erasing entire female bloodlines.  When Donna's grandmother dies, then her mother, she's convinced she's next -- and then her three daughters.

Gone: the passive parts, i.e. "is called in to," "is stunned to," "is wiping out."

Gone: gender/pronoun confusion.  Usually we steer clear of using character names in LLs.  But sometimes they're the solution when things get messy.  The parade of female characters in my revision pretty much demanded it.

Gone: "vicious serial killer" -- seems redundant to say serial killers are vicious.  I dropped "serial" for several reasons -- save space,  serial killer fatigue, whatever.  Anything to make it less "YIPPEE, ANOTHER SERIAL KILLER PREMISE!"

Gone: "another family" -- I figured "female bloodline" does enough to elicit a sense of family.

Gone: "she is stunned to discover" -- a predictable reaction.  Might as well save our breath and whitespace.

Gone: "she's his next victim" -- I grabbed an opportunity to pack in more characters, more stakes.  Grandmother, mother, daughter.  Three generations, top to bottom.  Yes, the killer could pluck females from the family tree at random, but isn't it more interesting for him to proceed in this orderly, compulsive manner?

The other thing I did with the LL was introduce a smidge of uncertainty surrounding the protagonist.  Is this happening the way she thinks it's happening?  Could it be a simple, sad coincidence, her grandmother and mother dying like that while she's investigating the case?  Do her superiors wonder if she's cracking under that double helping of grief?  For them it would explain her sudden extreme need to protect her three daughters.

That's just me riffing, of course.  Go find and read the script to experience the story Tony wanted to tell.

So far, lots of badass lady protags in this spec list.

Title: Infinite

Writer: Ian Shorr, @IanShorr

Logline: A schizophrenic discovers his hallucinations are actually memories of past lives that he can access as well as the skills he possessed in those time periods.

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Instantly evokes ASSASSIN'S CREED.  We won't dwell on whether that's a good or bad thing.

It's a limber logline, coiled tight within those 26 words.  The LL describes the sword, not the person wielding the sword -- meaning we have the MacGuffin but no story.  Usually that would worry me greatly.  But this thing pricks the imagination and draws blood.  Sometimes it's enough for a logline to do nothing more than yank your crank a couple times.  

I feel the end can be tightened.  The first reveal about the memories is Cinderella-good.  The passive "that he can access" and its sibling "as well as..." bumble into view, arm in arm, like two ugly step-sisters.

How about:

Logline: A schizophrenic discovers his hallucinations are really memories of a hundred past lives -- with skills he can use.

And still we managed to lop off eight words.  One thing I don't want to lose is the sense of these past lives scattered throughout history, and the many different time periods traversed.  That rich variety is what makes this premise appealing.  A soldier in Rome, a soldier in the Wild West, a soldier in WWII -- basically the same skill set.  We don't want that.  An Edo-period Japanese chef, a Summer of Love New Zealand pearl diver, a 1920s getaway driver -- that is the delicious, spicy brew we want filling our cups.

I'm counting on "memories of a hundred past lives" to create that sense of historical latitude.  Hopefully your mind does the math intuitively: 100 x 50 (factoring for life expectancy and unnatural endings) suggests a five-millennia slice of history.  That's a vast historical canvas.  Too vast?

The story title "Infinite" makes me wonder if Ian really does leave the door wide open, imposing no limits on how far back these past lives go.  I would be concerned about that.  Limits are good.  Limits and story rules create a retaining wall your characters can (and should) bump into.  Limitless stories -- e.g. characters with limitless resources -- leave no room for suspense, for surprise, for empathy.  Neo finds a kind of limitless power only at the end of THE MATRIX.  I expect Ian follows a similar path here.

Title: Twin Blades

Writer: Ingrid Eskeland-Adetuyi

Logline: Zoe, an American tech entrepreneur who relocates her company to China, and Maylin, a local female bodyguard hired to protect her struggle to coexist in their daily routine. When Zoe’s life is threatened, the two must put aside their differences and join forces to survive.

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That's all setup and no payoff.  I like the Odd Couple premise, but I don't like how the LL loses its nerve at the end.  Who or what threatens Zoe's life and why?  How exactly do they join forces?

There's plenty of useless crap clogging the pipes here:  "... struggle to coexist in their daily routine" is word salad for butt heads; "... the two must put aside their differences and join forces to survive" is saying one thing two ways.  All we need to know is: an American new to China gets a bodyguard and it's on!

Logline: When American tech innovator Zoe, new to China, meets her company-assigned bodyguard Maylin, they clash in every way until forced to team up against the triad enforcer sent to kill them.

Whack-a-word score: 45 down to 32.

The names unequivocally convey female in both cases, so we don't need gender qualification.

I think it's important to emphasize that Zoey has no control over choosing her bodyguard.  If she had the power she'd replace Maylin soon as that relationship proved untenable.

My first pass ended with "to kill Zoe."  The repetition of Zoe's name at the start and end troubled me, so I used "to kill them" instead.  Obviously the bad guy has to go through Maylin to get to Zoe.  And "them" underlines how they will grow into a team.

Let's go over this again because it's important.  Consider:

- "When Zoe’s life is threatened, the two must put aside their differences and join forces to survive."

- "... until forced to team up against the triad enforcer sent to kill them."

Which sentence creates the sharper image in your mind?  Which sentence ripples with purpose?  Uh-huh, the one that includes the bad guy.

Loglines are puzzles. Build your logline with bright and colorful pieces cut from sturdy paperboard and people will want to discover the big picture.

How about a twofer?  One writer gazing into the sunset of his career; the other basking in a golden dawn...



Title: Our Lady of Guadalupe

Writer: Joe Eszterhas

Logline: In 1531, the visitation of the Virgin Mary in a small town in Mexico leads a humble man named Juan Diego to push the local bishop to get a temple erected in her name.

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There's little to do here.  It's a respectable -- if uninspiring -- logline.  Period and place, inciting incident, a protag with a characteristic, a likely antagonist in the bishop, and a clear goal.

As with the UNFIT logline, I had to consult google to learn Juan Diego's true story.

Perhaps some verbs can be punched up: "inspires" or "drives" for the insipid "leads"; "urge" or "implore" in place of "push."  And I would go with "... to erect a temple in her name" over "... to get a temple erected in her name."  Let's try it...

Logline: In 1531, the visitation of the Virgin Mary in a small town in Mexico inspires a humble man named Juan Diego to urge the local bishop to erect a temple in her name.

To me, the through-line still feels oddly indirect and kind of bureaucratic.  It's like if somebody got inspired to cross the Atlantic paddling a canoe and the first thing they do is hire a pro canoeist to perform the feat by proxy.  Similarly, this logline does not seem as strong compared to the one where Juan struggles to erect the temple with his own hands.


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Title: The Claim

Writer: Damien Chazelle

Logline: A single father with a criminal background must uncover the whereabouts of his kidnapped daughter while fighting the mysterious claims of another couple who insist that the child is theirs.

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Not a problem to whittle this down to its essence, thanks to "uncover the whereabouts" and "another couple who insist that the child is theirs."

Logline: A single father with a criminal past must find his kidnapped daughter while fighting a mysterious couple who claim the child is theirs.

(7 words vaporized from 30.)

Title: The Shitheads

Writer: Macon Blair

Logline: A pair of deeply unqualified bozos who have been hired to transport a troubled teenage millionaire to rehab.

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I'm finishing on this one for today, because Macon Blair is a wonderful writer and only getting better.  Go read HOLD THE DARK and tell me I'm wrong.  His writing is cocky (uh, title!) but charming, laconic yet lavish.  In other words, a joy to read.

The logline as quoted here looks to be a partial logline cribbed from the trades.  First, let's clean it up.

Logline: A pair of deeply unqualified bozos get hired to transport a troubled teenage millionaire to rehab.

Good.  Now, the three elements standing tall in this LL are: the "deeply unqualified bozos" -- which sets the tone beautifully -- then "troubled teenage millionaire," and finally "rehab."  Those three things tell us everything: protagonists, teenage antagonist, goal, stakes, opposition, tone.  The LL pulls off a very high concept without feeling lazy or insincere.  There's a lot of "familiar" here, but somehow that doesn't seem like a bad thing.  For me it's those casual and clever opening six words.  It reads like this is your friend describing that movie he saw yesterday and liked.

Nope, I'm not touching a thing.  I did consider alternatives to "transport" then realized (a) it connotes moving cargo, which suggests a particular relationship between the bozos and the teen at the start, and (b) I love the alliteration of "transport a troubled teenage..."

Title: Marian

Writer: Pete Barry

Logline: After a conspiracy to conquer England in which the love of her life Robin Hood dies before her eyes, Marian picks up the cause to lead her people into a pivotal war. She comes to power, charging into a battle that will not only decide the fate of the kingdom but will see her don the mantle of the man she loved. In the process, she rises as a legend herself.

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Yes!  Something to sink my teeth into.  Be warned: I am going to rip and tear.  There's much fat to carve from the meat and bone.

Logline: After Robin Hood dies trying to conquer England, Marian dons the mantle of the man she loved and leads her people into a war that will decide the fate of the kingdom -- and forge her own legend.

70-ish words slimmed to just 37.  That's close to half the original size, meaning it takes half as long to comprehend the whole story.  The key to unlocking this LL was its structure.  Taking it apart revealed a better, leaner arrangement.

Note: I might have it wrong about Robin Hood leading the conspiracy to conquer England.  Maybe he's on the side repelling it.  The latter needs only a small change to the LL, with little effect on the word count.