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Title: Signs of overwriting Post by: Pitchpatch on February 25, 2013, 03:35 AM I'll show you a short passage from a recent spec and demonstrate why to me the script feels overwritten. The red flags are the page count (137) and the plentiful long paragraphs. Plus too much minutia. Just my opinion, of course. If you disagree speak up and tell me why. This site is all about surfacing the thought process behind language choices.
Quote EXT. THEBES PALACE GARDENS - DAY A slave girl whispers, her hand cupped to the side of Tiye’s head. Tiye’s eyes widen with astonishment. She turns to face the girl. TIYE Where? The girl points to the maze in the centre of the huge gardens. Tiye nods. The girl bows and quickly walks away. Tiye starts to move towards and enters the large maze. For a few moments she wanders around, clearly lost. Then, she hears giggling. She stops. The voices fade, so she starts moving again. Again she hears voices. She is so focussed that she suddenly rounds a corner, and walks into a small group of doves resting there. They rise up in to the air. Tiye herself screams in fright, then quickly regains her composure. Suddenly, the voices have stopped. She curses herself, then starts to slowly hedge around the maze. She turns yet another corner, when suddenly, standing there alone is Tutankhamen. He looks at her questioningly. Could be sliced down to: Quote EXT. THEBES PALACE GARDENS - DAY A slave girl whispers into Tiye's ear. Tiye's eyes widen with astonishment. TIYE Where? The girl points to the large central maze in the huge gardens. With a nod, Tiye dismisses her and starts toward the maze. She wanders its paths, clearly lost. Then: GIGGLING. She listens. The voices fade. She moves on. More VOICES. As she rounds a corner, startled doves take wing in a noisy, gusty flurry. Tiye screams. She curses, calms herself. The voices have stopped. She begins to hedge around the maze. Turns another corner -- And there stands Tutankhamen. He regards her with suspicion. Note, there's a missing 'INT. MAZE' (or a sub-locational 'MAZE') that logically falls here: Quote Tiye starts to move towards and enters the large maze. IN THE MAZE For a few moments she wanders around, clearly lost. Let's break down the stats*: ELEMENT: BEFORE | AFTER Lines: 24 | 27 Paragraphs: 4 | 8 Sentences: 21 | 19 Words: 163 | 105 Syllables: 190 | 130 Avg Words Per Sentence: 8 | 6 Avg Sentences Per Paragraph: 5| 2 Avg Words Per Paragraph: 41 | 13 Avg Syllables Per Paragraph: 47 | 16 Those stats strongly suggest improved readability. The line count blew out by three, but the restored white space is worth it. The context now carries the narrative. "A slave girl whispers into Tiye's ear" -- the cupped hand is an unimportant detail we might imagine anyway. "Tiye’s eyes widen with astonishment" -- still feels wordy to me. "Tiye's eyes flash astonishment." Technically correct but still clunky. It's the abstract noun "astonishment" I'd like to remove; "-ment" abstract nouns should be switched with simpler word forms where possible. Maybe: "Astonished, Tiye's eyes widen." Or "Tiye's eyes flash, astonished." Or letting context do all the heavy lifting: "Tiye's eyes go wide." Action, reaction. Trust the reader to connect the dots without unnecessary hand-holding. "She turns to face the girl." Remove it. Review. Any meaning, mood, emotion lost? No. That sentence does nothing but eat precious white space. Kill it. "The girl bows and quickly walks away" -- don't give your minor characters the same attention as your majors. That's why they're minor characters. Get them on and off screen without fuss. "She is so focussed that she suddenly rounds a corner, and walks into a small group of doves resting there. They rise up in to the air." Large group, small group -- not important. What's important is Tiye (and the audience) getting startled. So focus on that. The suddenness has to be on the page, and "rise up into the air" is way too languid to provoke shock. "He looks at her questioningly" -- okay, but what emotion does that suggest? Curiosity? Amusement? Outrage? We don't know. It's too vague. Mantra time: give 'em two plus two, not four. * Subsequently I made minor tweaks to the revised text. The original stats will be slightly off now. |