10PTT: Down in a Hole by Jawbreaker

[Pitchpatch]

Jawbreaker kindly sent me the first ten from a western he abandoned long ago and shut away.

Here are my thoughts for page 1.  Chime in with your own observations and variations.

As always with 10PTTs, remember, the supplied pages are an early or first draft.  It's likely the author would catch some of these edits in their own polish.  I don't consider my edits 'right' and in a few cases I'm not even sure my version improves what's on the page.  Occasionally I'll revisit an old 10PTT and spot a suggested change where I definitely made things worse, not better.  Sometimes you have to tinker with something to know you had it right the first time.  Good writing is in the eye of the beholder.  However, there are well-established tenets of 'good writing' that form the common foundation successful writers build upon.  That's the bedrock I try to expose.


"back to us" -- not an issue, but an alternative to breaking the narrative fourth wall ("we...", "... us") would be "... stands in the brush, facing away, holding a...".

"Buffeted by wind." -- I'm fairly sure it's the mask being buffeted, but it's not entirely clear. It could equally apply to the man. Or both.  If it's the mask then you could clear it up with, "... holding a crudely stitched MASK buffeted by wind."  If it's the man then: "A MAN stands in the brush, buffeted by wind, back to us, holding a...".  (If you haven't nitpicked every sentence at least once, you're not me.)

"... holding a..." -- if the wind threatens to rip it from his hand then how about powering up the verb to something like gripping, clutching, clenching...

"... a small, disreputable town." -- 'disreputable' feels like the wrong word here.  How do we know it's a disreputable town?  All we can do is make snap judgements based on our brief initial glimpse from here.  And from what it looks like we can quickly decide the town looks dodgy and disreputable.

So we could label it "a festering asshole of a town."  Something that conveys 'disreputable' without having to tell the reader it's disreputable.  And we should name the town.  Especially because we're sluglining it.  For example: "Before him... the small, disreputable town of BROKEN BOOT."  Or if not naming it then I'd just slug it as TOWN.

1 - Moving the spatial reference (300 yard) and the moonlight description to the start of the sentence helps you form a complete mental picture as soon as you hit 'disreputable town' instead of being introduced to the town then adding new facts (300 yards away; lit by moonlight).  This is a personal quirk of mine.  Try to help the reader form accurate images from the outset instead of making them assemble the image in pieces.  If the audience will see the image on screen all at once then try to present that same immediate experience to the reader on the page.  Stuff that 'sets the scene' goes up front.

Plus we reclaim a line of whitespace.  You know by now how dearly I  love to reclaim whitespace.

2 - Eliminate redundancy: from down below = from below; creepily emerge = creep.  "from the vines, bushes and low trees" is too much description.  We already know they're standing in brush (bush, scrub, thicket) so let's just add the low trees and keep the action moving.

3 - "Across the road..." And just like that we get some subtle, sly camera direction.  Not CLOSE ON Sheriff Cobb, not PUSH IN on Sheriff Cobb.  Just "across the road".  We've established some distance.  In your mind you might see it as a simple static wide shot establishing Cobb, or perhaps a slow dolly from the street closing in on him.  Whatever, the key element surely is Old Glory framing the shot.  You should always be subtly manipulating your reader's focus in this non-technical way.  The gentle hand on the shoulder nudging the reader this way and that.  Done right they'll never notice your gentle touch.  Because if they do begin to notice it they'll begin to resist it.  

"... watching the scene." -- Don't miss an opportunity to turn a bland verb into a more forceful one, and reveal some extra characterization along the way.  How is Cobb observing proceedings?  Disinterested?  Attentive?  Worried?  Like a contented king?  Like someone who knows he has few friends?

[Pitchpatch]

1 - "He smiles, leans forward, is about to finish..." -- I wonder here if those three elements can be replaced with one broad stroke, to simplify the essence of it: he's pleased to have her rapt attention.  What about "He lets her anticipation peak then moves to finish...".  That says nothing specific about the physicality of the moment, but surely it suggests to the reader the state of mind of both characters: she boiling with need to know and him milking the moment for maximum effect.  You can easily picture the look on both their faces.  It's too easy for us novices to bog down in minutia that does little to add to character or move the story forward.  The sentence here is no great offence, mind you.  It's perfectly fine as is.  But look for opportunities to tune or omit those sentences that mainly perform character busywork -- moving around on stage or doing mundane things that you can expect any half-talented actor or half-alert reader to fill in for themselves.  Leave that stuff between the lines.

"... he hears a ghastly noise..." -- in a moment we learn the 'ghastly noise' is a man moaning.  Why postpone that description?  There's no way we can know for sure that the 'ghastly noise' is until we read the next sentence.  Let's just give that information up front.

"Moving the Young Lady aside..." -- Another opportunity to make a verb add character.  'Moving' doesn't say much about HOW something gets moved.  Here Cobb could be nudging her aside or shoving her aside.  We can only guess.  (My guess is nudging.) For example, if we suggest a slow and gentle 'move' then we characterize COBB as a gentle man (and a gentleman), cautious and somewhat slow to excite in the face of potential conflict.  In that case we could still amp up the verb to something like "Easing the Young Lady aside" or "Guiding..." or "Maneuvering..." -- all of which strengthen our perception of Cobb as a man who treats women well.  On the other hand, if Cobb has a less delicate opinion of the ladyfolk then he should be "Batting the Young Lady aside" or "Shoving..." or "Elbowing...".

2 - Slight confusion in this section due to word choice.  'Rider' implies the person is in the saddle.  But maybe that isn't what was intended.  Because of 'face down, lies moaning' prior to 'collapses to the ground,' I'm thinking the rider isn't in the saddle at all but slung across the horse's back.  And from there he collapses to the ground.  BUT, that wouldn't let us see the smoke that 'seeps from his chest.'   So let's go back to the dude being flopped over in the saddle.  That posture might give us a glimpse of his smoking chest -- although 'face down' and 'lies moaning' still fight to contradict that image.  Face down might simply mean head hanging forward... but traditionally 'face down' suggests 'face down on the floor', i.e. prone.

Point is, this small sequence brought me to a standstill.  I couldn't continue until I got it straight in my mind's eye.  Undoubtedly Jawbreaker understood what he was writing, but it didn't land on the page cleanly.  Not for me, anyway.  Ambiguity like this is death to readability.  You never want your reader to reread what they just read because they didn't understand it the first time.  So here I'd suggest revising to make it clear if the guy's slumped in the saddle, lying forward almost prone, or draped across the horse like a sack.  Think about it like you're the director scene-blocking for the actors and you can't go wrong.  Oh. And if 'smoke imperceptibly seeps from his chest' then technically we see NO smoke coming from his chest. It's there, but it's imperceptible. :-) Could rewrite to e.g. "Faint threads of smoke seep from his chest."

3 - "Cobb's attention drawn to" works in a novel, but it can be left inferred on this script page.  We're getting deep into an awesome moment and we don't want to be yanked out by switching perspectives.  Right now WE ARE COBB.  We're seeing through his eyes via the magic of cinematic character identification.  I don't know about you, but for me this moment is playing out in tight slowmo, instantly drawing me further into the dramatic tension.  "Doesn't seem any too frightened..." See?  None too frightened. We're experiencing this THROUGH COBB, w00t!  These are the screenwriting moments of deep immersion we live for!  So let's stay focused on the rider, even though on screen we'll be getting a shot of Cobb reacting as he speaks his line.

"As the Rider's eyes start to close..."  Ayup, we're in nutsack-tightening slowmo, huzzah!  Sound drops out, allowing us to FEEL the almighty VVOOMPH! of the impact...  CRASH! Young Lady united with that pretty dress she was eyeing yesterday in the store window.  And Cobb's face shakes hands with Mr Wagon.  Loving the clipped, violent description for this brief, exciting sequence.

So on page 2 we get a big bang inciting incident that changes everything (we assume).  Did the Young Lady survive?  We assume Cobb did, because we assume he's the good guy.  We don't know for sure.  Could be the bad guy, but unlikely because the dude with the mask from page 1 sure felt like a bad guy.  And we're trained to expect to meet the good guy in the first few pages.  (Important to introduce your hero early to get the audience attached and invested early.) Very convenient that this short action sequence falls on a page break.  I'm dying to flip over and see what comes next.

Oh, and I ringed in green some hard-working verbs.  I didn't ring 'blows' because it's not all that grunty.  I want the explosion to PUNCH the Young Lady through that window.  Maybe CLOBBER or WALLOP her through it, or CLUB her through, or CANONBALL her through.  Bwahaha, what?  Canonball her?  Fire, shoot, heave, hurl -- to my mind all these are by degrees more active than the stock standard 'blow'.  It's all subjective though.  This action sequence works, but I can't help the urge to nudge the dial up to eleven.

[Pitchpatch]

"Climbs to her feet" is fine but here I'd like to see more effort suggested -- what just happened was a big deal, and had to take a toll on her fragile body.  Something like "Struggles to her feet. Dazed and numb. Disbelieving the rubble."  I mean, sure, with what's there now we can color between the lines easily enough, but why not shoot for both conotation and denotation in the same sentence -- fact and feeling.  Something like 'disbelieving the rubble' tells you the fact she's staring at that rubble plus the feeling etched on her face.

1 - I dispute the fresh location slug here.  We started in EXT. DISREPUTABLE TOWN on page 1 and we never left that broad arena.  What we're doing is seemlessly flitting between geographically adjacent sub-locations: THE STREET; INSIDE THE STORE; BACK OUTSIDE.  Actually, you could rewrite the page 1 slug to EXT.  TOWN STREET instead of the unnecessarily expansive TOWN.  In any case, we don't re-slug here.  We sub-slug (I don't know what the proper term is for this -- if indeed there is one).  And because we've got STREET slugged, we don't need to repeat that we're out on the road now.

"RED, WHITE and BLUE run right past, BLACK comes forth..." -- another jarring moment making me halt and review what I just read.  My first thought was "Red, white, blue... old glory mentioned page 1... so... flag...?  Huh?"  Oh, running past... so... people... oh, okay, these are the names of the dudes we saw earlier creeping from the bushes.  And I'm guessing BLACK is the leader?  Confusion reigns because these names are thrown in with no preparation.  Did the writer forget to state that each ominous figure creeping from the bushes wore a COLORED mask? i.e.

-----
A MAN stands in the brush, back to us, holding a crudely stitched BLACK mask. Buffeted by wind.

Before him, nestled in the rolling plains: a small, disreputable town. Bathed in moonlight.  About 300 yards away.

PARTY noise from down below, wafting... as his three friends -- wearing their plain colored masks of RED, WHITE, the last in BLUE -- creepily emerge from the vines, bushes and low trees behind him --
-----

Then we know exactly who RED, WHITE and BLUE are on the page here.

"... throws her to the ground by her hair."  Again, this is perfectly okay, but I want to point out, as this unfolds on the screen what we see is BLACK grabbing a fistful of her long hair then using it to drag her to the ground.  I'd reverse that sentence to match the flow of action: "BLACK comes forth, catches her long hair, throws her to the ground."

2. "INT. LOBBY" -- we can lose the INT/EXTs when it's obvious we're interior or exterior.  STREET, for example, won't ever be INT.  Same with LOBBY, which almost never will be EXT.  BANK could be EXT, but the first words tell us we're INT, so no danger of confusion by losing the INT here -- and you SHOULD omit production draft scaffolding in your spec.  Hopefully the time will come when you sell the story -- yes, we're trying to sell stories, NOT scripts -- and you or somebody else will reformat the script into a technical blueprint suitable for a 200-strong team of craftsmen to go ahead and turn your words into sound and images.

"... weapons raised." -- While that's perfectly accurate, I saw it as a tiny opportunity to add color and 'feeling'.  "... weapons bristling" or maybe "... weapons snarling..."  I like the personification of 'snarling'.  Suggests guns with an evil mind all of their own.

3 - I felt it was important to tell us up front that the Bank Manager is female.  Introduced to a genderless MANAGER, most folks would immediately picture a man in the role.  I did.  Blame Wild West stereotyping.  I threw in 'elderly' because a young frontier lady bank manager seemed to me even more unlikely.  But I admit I haven't done the research.  Anyway, I initially pictured a man then one line of dialogue later I had to haul down that image and replace it with a picture of a woman.  Try to help the reader build an accurate, clear picture right out of the gate.

AND HOLY SHIT DO THINGS GET EXCITING FROM 'INT. LOBBY' FORWARD.  A burst of green-ringed action words signifies Jawbreaker is really focusing our senses here as the thugs expertly perform their thuggery.

USHER, PROPEL, POUR, HANGS, RACES, VAULTS, JERKS, SPINS, SHOVES...

HELL YES!  This action sequence skips along beautifully, driven by short, punchy, declarative sentences.  No time for embellishment.  Things are happening fast, and all you need is for the reader to keep up.  Reading this, you probably didn't feel your heart accelerate a little, but it probably did.  Cranking the dramatic tension.  Another page finishes on a page-turner.  Great stuff.

Oh, and backtracking to "... and a DUMBASS appears to be making a move..." -- more delicious narrative viewpoint.  I love narrative viewpoint because it's so damn efficient (and delightful).  By conveying this step of action through Black's viewpoint we get TWO strong images: the clumsy, well-meaning-but-DUMBASS man trying to 'do the right thing' and failing miserably, followed by BLACK's jaded but practiced reaction.  "Black quickly subdues him." -- don't need any more detail than that because we know how thugs deal with DUMBASSES trying to be heros.  We've seen it a million times.  So that's the beauty of slipping into character narrative viewpoint now and then.  The most powerful writing is when you connect the most to a character... and you can't connect any better than being inside the character's head!

[Pitchpatch]

1. A lot's going on and it's been over half a page since we introduced Beardy -- the only time we called him by name so far, so let's help the reader keep track by naming him again here.  A lot going on, a lot of characters moving about.  The more balls you're juggling the more focus and precision you apply.

"Red KNOCKS him across the face with his shotgun, driving him to the ground..." - 'knock' is way too delicate for my liking.  "Red CRACKS/CLUBS/CLOCKS/WALLOPS/HAMMERS/CLOUTS him across the face"

"Manager unlocks... Black takes her inside... their hands blur as stacks of money are shoved into canvas sacks." -- it seemed odd to me that she, the manager, would be so keenly stuffing cash into those sacks.  Him, sure.  I can understand it if she's scared to death, having seen this guy brutalize others moments ago.  If that's the case, give us that motivation on the page.

-----
Manager unlocks the STEEL CAGE inside the big vault -- Black takes her inside, nods her over to the shelves holding the money boxes -- She hesitates -- He flashes the butt of his pistol -- no contest -- their hands blur as STACKS OF MONEY are shoved into canvas sacks.
-----

"What are you, some kind of moron?" -- Smiley face.  We're getting our first insight into Cobb and looks like he's gonna be plenty of fun.

NOTE: Didn't ring the active verbs on this page.  Don't need to.  You've got the idea.

[Pitchpatch]

"He GRABS Cobb, holding him close" -- Can shorten this to "He JERKS/TUGS/HAULS Cobb close." Six words to four.  Not worth it, you say.  I say, do this four or five times per page and watch your 110-page script magically shrink to 105 or 100.  Consistent small edits add up.  Especially when they eliminate orhpans and give you back whitespace (not the case here, but I'm about to explain why it's still a win.)  They don't only serve to reduce your page count.  They make your story read faster.  What's a 'fast' read?  That's a script you read in one sitting because it never occurs to your to stop reading.  You never get bogged down and you never feel like you're fighting the author to understand what's going on.  Conveying your idea in less words takes less effort to comprehend -- and a fraction of time less to feed into your reader's eyeballs.

"(more demanding)" -- parenthicals are the devil's toothpicks (and the devil is Joe Eszterhas, never forget).  They rob you of a linespace.  Demand they justify themselves.  Take it out, read it -- is there confusion now about who's speaking, who it's directed at, or how it's being said?  No?  Congratulations on reclaiming a linespace.  Here, we infer the 'demanding' tone from two things: the preceding action where Blue yanks Cobb close, and the ellipsis between words.  That's all we need.  We've got 2 + 2 and we can figure the answer without further assistance.

Alright, so now we're at that part I blocked out in blue.

I've looked it over a couple times and I think I know what's bothering me.  It's too many short single lines clustered in one block -- made worse if I scrub the INT. as shown.

-----
BANK

PEOPLE

are FROZEN...

BLACK

tosses

THE LAST CANVAS BAG

through the air...

-----

I'm not keen on immediatly following a slugline with a shot/subslug.  It's too abrupt, I'd argue.  On the other hand, I do sort of like the visual shorthand Jawbreaker's doing here: BLACK, then carry shot to CANVAS BAG, then follow bag through air into WHITE'S hands.  I'll start by clearly delineating the slugline so there's no chance it'll bleed visually into the scene content...

-----
BANK

The townsfolk frozen in place.  Unbreathing.  Praying for this to end.

BLACK

tosses the last canvas bag through the air and

WHITE

catches it, GRUNTING with effort.

-----

One less line in my rewrite (and forgive my elaboration on the scene).  So if nothing else we've saved whitespace.  The original hints at three focus points/shots: on THE PATRONS, on BLACK, on THE BAG.  But a director might film it as a single moving shot, a single locked-off shot (letting the foreground, midground, background do the work), or a couple of shots/angles.  A director could film this tiny sequence a dozen ways, even though the flow of action is giving us just a couple points of focus.  If we remove all focus cues we'd get something like...

-----
BANK

The townsfolk frozen in place.  Unbreathing.  Praying for this to end.

BLACK tosses the last canvas bag to WHITE, who GRUNTS with effort.

-----

It comes down to the question, is it worth six lines on the page -- effectively 11 counting the doublespacing! -- to convey maybe three seconds of screen time? I'm a fan of subslugs, but sometimes it's not a good fit, like here in this little scene.

Back to the edits.

"Walks to the edge of the roof" -- we can lose 'of the roof' because 'roof' is right there in the subslug above.  It's fresh in our mind.

"walk" -> "stride" - like 'look', 'walk' is bland and a bit of an underachiever.  Considering the 'calm and alert' descriptor that follows, 'stride' (to walk with purpose) feels like the right word here.

"roughly grabs" -> "seizes" ... because the one means precisely the other and usually you go with the shorter expression -- for the reasons I outlined near the top of this post.

"Fuck -- he hit him hard" -- narrator interjection/observation.  I like 'em.  Can be risky.  It can yank your reader out of the story because you're reminding them there's somebody (the author) standing between the reader and the story.  Plus, it's important to know who's viewpoint is making the comment.  Whose interior monologue is it?  Here we assume it's the author, not another character in the scene.  We're at a page end, so maybe the following page makes it clear if it's the author or Blue making the comment.  Here's an example of author versus character interior monologue:


AUTHOR:
-----
WHAM!  Cobbs's face rocks to the side.

Ouch. A cold steak couldn't stop that swelling. Try a side of beef.
-----

SHANE BLACK:
-----
WHAM!  Cobbs's face rocks to the side.

Speaking of bags of loot, last week I threw away my computer chair.  Now I sit atop the pile of cash I built from my Lethal Weapon residuals.  Admittedly I'm having a hard time reaching my keyboard from way up here.  So anyway... Oh, yeah, and I threw away my TV chair too.  Replaced that with a pyramid of cocaine.  Let me tell you, gentle reader: once you park your caboose on a giant mound of loot and toot you've reached the absolute zenith of office ergonomics.

So back to Cobb...

Um... blah-de-blah-blah... fight scenes, a three-legged dog for comic relief, a stagecoach chase and... um, a helicopter crammed with hostage Korean factory children who were forced to swallow heroin-filled condoms.  You do the math.  Here's a pencil to fill in the 100 blank pages following this one.  TOODLES!  
-----

CHARACTER:
-----
WHAM!  Cobbs's face rocks to the side.

Blue rubs his tingling fist and sniggers.  Fuck -- he hit him hard.
-----

[Pitchpatch]

"(fucking INCENSED)" - By itself, I'd complain about that only if it spanned two parenthetical lines, which it doesn't.  Losing an extra linespace would not be worth it.  Why I thought to strike it is, it dilutes the impact of "Fuck it" coming a few lines down.  Remember: we ended the previous page with "Fuck -- he hit him hard."  So that's three fucks in half a dozen lines.  The more you throw 'fuck' around the more you rob it of effect.  I wanted that viewpoint interjection to have full effect on the reader -- on screen we'd see that 'fuck it' in Blue's face.

I'm enjoying Jawbreaker's action scenes.  Earlier I griped a little about clarity, but that's minor.  Jawbreaker shows a deft hand for writing action.  The use of leading dashes works great.  He knows the power of finding a strong verb.  When he's being economical his sentences bristle and zing.  Looking forward to more of this.

[Pitchpatch]

I'm not supposed to play with dialogue.  One of my 10PTT guidelines is to focus solely on description/action -- where the narrative heavy lifting takes place.  Couldn't help myself here.  The unmasking didn't play right in my mind's eye.  The '... It's --' has to come just before RED/TOM peels off that mask, with him completing the thought as we and 6F6 take in his full features...

-----
Gets close. Looks into his eyes. Very intense.

RED
No-- No he won't. It's...

and PULLS off his MASK.
Six Foot Six's eyes go wide.

RED/TOM
(wry smile)
... all part of the plan.

SIX FOOT SIX
You...!

Meet TOM...
-----

And I reckon we can safely lose Six Foot's last line of dialogue and instead button the scene on:

-----
Tom rises, strolls toward the stairwell.

SIX FOOT SIX

Frozen.  Not knowing quite WHAT to think.
-----

It's all there in the "YOU!" and off his look.

1. "INT. BRICKWORK - THIRD FLOOR - NIGHT" -- Slight problem.  We just cut from Tom and Red leaving the bank roof to Tom and Red in a corridor.  Somewhere.  Those paying attention can join the dots: Six Foot told Tom and Red 'she' is holed up 'in Brickwork.'  So they must now be in a building within the town of Brickwork.  Assuming Brickwork is a town.  It's a solid guess, but we can't say for sure.  Maybe 'Brickwork' is the name of a prison -- probably not judging by the decor in this corridor.  Everything from opening scene on has been set at night, don't forget.  And that's not going to help our sense of surroundings.

If the fellas hoofed it over to this new town of Brickwork then an establishing exterior shot would remove any guesswork.  Jawbreaker follows the laudable rule of getting out of and into scenes as quick as possible -- string the beads (scenes) then snip away the string *between* the beads, i.e the boring connective fabric -- but for me this is cutting it a tad too fine at the expense of clarity.

I like this flurry of action at the door.  Because we're sufficiently spatially and contextually oriented (call me Poindexter) when the time comes for Tom to pound that door we can trim things and help the flow really zip along...

-----
TOM

kicks the door in.  It EXPLODES off its top hinges and hangs disabled.  Seamlessly continues his momentum and rushes through.
-----

to something like...

-----
TOM

KICKS -- the door EXPLODES off its top hinges and hangs disabled.  Momentum rushing him through into --
-----

" - CONTINUOUS"  My personal preference is to use CONTINUOUS to avoid ambiguity or confusion when slugging.  If there's no possible confusion -- as here -- don't bother.  Slug accoutrement does slow down the read, moreso during an action sequence.  Leave unnecessary slug busiwork for the production draft.

[Pitchpatch]

1. I found this confusing for a moment.  The guard races across the room 'for the rear, heading for Tom.'  Which means the door Tom kicked down and stormed through is the room's back entrance (?).  There's no indication prior to now that the door Tom and Blue arrived at was a back entrance.  The reader would be forgiven for assuming it's the front entrance.  I did, without giving it any thought.  So when the reader hits 'racing across the room for the rear' it's jarring.  The reader must pause and rearrange the scene in his or her head.  If it's important that we know this is a rear door then give that information up front.  On the other hand, if Tom and Blue ARE at the room's front door then why is the guard described as racing toward the rear of the room past Isabel yet somehow toward Tom?  Oh wait... is the GUARD the SHOOTER behind the door, and so Tom and Blue already surged past him not seeing him?  I'm gonna need Jawbreaker to adjucate this one.

2. We're on BLUE, who whirls around... and now we're (presumably) on Isabel as Tom hollers her name O.S. -- "Isabel!" -- and we cut to Tom with his gun drawn already... So let's 'cut to the chase' and skip the aiming.  She smiles, apparently aware he won't shoot her, that they need her alive... Tom knows it, fisting the windowsill in frustration...

We can easily lose the parenthetical "(then)" because all it does is steal a linespace.  Actors will figure out the delivery.  If your actor is Christopher Walken then he'll take a pen to your script page and randomly mark dialogue here, here, there... one more there -- indicating where he'll... pause for... dramatic effect.  If your actor is Bill Murray then he'll glance at your script page, mumble "Yeah yeah," push it back to you or ball it up and toss it... then he'll give you an adlibbed performance far better than you could've written.

"He runs to the window" -- perfect example of leaving out the stage business, letting the context fill in the gap.  Survey ten film fans by showing them this scene but freeze-framing on Tom's face when he says "Dammit!" and asking them what happens next... I wager eight or nine fans will correctly guess he runs to the window.

"POUNDS the windowsill in frustration" -- is there any other reason he might pound the window, given the context?  No.  Thus we can omit 'in frustration' because it adds nothing to the narrative.

"... claustrophobic recess" -- again, this felt unnecessary.  How do we know the recess is tiny if it's veiled in shadow?  And it can't be too claustrophobic if it's large enough to shelter a horse.  Although from the horse's viewpoint, yeah, that tight squeeze will be claustrophobic, no question.

"MAIN DRAG ... Wait for it..." -- Bwahaha, another page that falls perfectly on a page-turning moment.  What is that now?  Three absolute page-turners in eight pages?  Fortuitous or designed, this is working well for Jawbreaker!

[Pitchpatch]

I realise the author is shifting stylistic gears here with the 'AND TOM... AND ISABEL' but I'm not convinced it works any better than the regular (and briefer) character subslugging.  If it works for you then mentally reinstate those ANDs.

I was once more compelled to ring the strong verbs and action words on this page.  Quite a breathless read.

"Tom SMASHES into her."  It's implied, I guess, that Tom leaps from the saddle here, not that he's crashing into her bodily with the horse.

If Tom whines another petulant "DAMMIT!" I may have to slap him upside the head. :-)

"TOM: I'm alive." -- another great page end!  Who could resist flipping the page to see what comes next?  Well... apologies but I'm not giving you any more.  This is a first time ever for a 10PTT, but I'm ending prematurely here on Page 9.  It's the perfect spot to wrap it up.  "I'm alive."  That's a scene button if I ever saw one.  And I'll risk Jawbreaker's fury to leave you hanging and wanting more.

Oh, the scene does continue, though.  Here's some of what you're missing:

-----
ISABEL
I'm saying this is like tryin' to
balance a six-shooter on the tip of
your dick.
-----

But I prefer to keep some mystery.  How do Tom and Isabel know each other?  Is Tom a good guy or bad guy?  What's the deal with the guy who suicide-vests at the start -- why does he willingly blow himself up?  (I don't expect an answer to that one, but I'm still intrigued.)

So there we are: the first nine for DOWN IN A HOLE by Jawbreaker.  You can't say it's not brimming with action and conflict.  I liked it.  Where we left off at page 9 it's still not clear whose side everyone is on, but we can make some educated guesses.  You would not put this script down due to boredom.  It's an exciting opening.

Thanks again to Jawbreaker for taking the plunge and gritting his teeth throughout my rough "spread em'" surgical-gloved examination.  I enjoyed this 10PTT a lot.

[Jawbreaker]

I don't mean to be criticizing what you wrote – well, actually I do – but mainly, I'm just explaining my thought process.  So...


"... a small, disreputable town." -- 'disreputable' feels like the wrong word here.

Why?

It tells you everything you need to know.  No need to over-explain or get flowery.


"Buffeted by wind."

Was anybody else confused by this?

I think it's pretty straightforward that it applies to the entire shot.  And I'm not being flip here.  I never thought this would be a point of contention.


"He smiles, leans forward, is about to finish..." -- I wonder here if those three elements can be replaced with one broad stroke, to simplify the essence of it: he's pleased to have her rapt attention. What about "He lets her anticipation peak then moves to finish...".

You're over-explaining it - he already has her attention.  So yeah, that'd be redundant.  Also, my sentence is more active and hits better.  Just sayin'.  


"... he hears a ghastly noise..." -- in a moment we learn the 'ghastly noise' is a man moaning.

Why hold back?

To keep people reading.

But yeah, I actually changed this is a later draft - now it's a crowd reaction that draws his attention.


"Climbs to her feet" is fine but here I'd like to see more effort suggested -- what just happened was a big deal, and had to take a toll on her fragile body. Something like "Struggles to her feet. Dazed and numb. Disbelieving the rubble." I mean, sure, with what's there now we can color between the lines easily enough[...]

That's the point.  Let the reader fill in the blanks.


"... weapons raised." -- While that's perfectly accurate, I saw it as a tiny opportunity to add color and 'feeling'. "... weapons bristling" or maybe "... weapons snarling..." I like the personification of 'snarling'. Suggests guns with an evil mind all of their own.

Last I checked, guns were scary - I don't think you need to jazz them up.  In fact, that description would kick me out of a story.


[...]if she's scared to death, having seen this guy brutalize others moments ago. If that's the case, give us that motivation on the page.

As I mentioned before, it's implied.

I already provide a framework of visuals that tell the story so the reader (and audience) can put two & two together and visualize what's happening on the screen.  And yeah, this --

Manager unlocks the STEEL CAGE inside the big vault -- Black takes her inside, nods her over to the shelves holding the money boxes -- She hesitates -- He flashes the butt of his pistol -- no contest -- their hands blur as STACKS OF MONEY are shoved into canvas sacks.

-- would've killed momentum.

Always, always err on the side of brevity.  Trust the reader.  But you may be right in this case.  I don't know.  Need more opinions.


"He GRABS Cobb, holding him close" -- Can shorten this to "He JERKS/TUGS/HAULS Cobb close." Six words to four. Not worth it, you say.

Yep.

I like the visual it creates.


BANK

The townsfolk frozen in place. Unbreathing. Praying for this to end.

BLACK

tosses the last canvas bag through the air and

WHITE

catches it, GRUNTING with effort.

This is very close to how it was originally written - but yeah, I love the way the current version quickly leads your mind's eye through the room.  Simple, brief sentences with simple words.

Also, this does not, has not, and will not ever offend directors or anyone else.  On the contrary, reading a truly visual, cinematic script that really feels like a movie on paper INSPIRES readers.  So yeah, don't be afraid to write the shots and edit each scene through the action lines.

Just look at Pulp Fiction.

In the drug overdose scene, midpoint in the movie, Vincent attempts to revive Mia by stabbing her in the fucking heart with a hypodermic needle filled with adrenalin.  The reason "we hold our breath" is because the script is written "already edited."  In this case it is edited to "milk the scene" and thereby pump up suspense.

And even though Vincent counts out three seconds, it takes ¾ of a page for the moment to take place or 45 seconds of screen time.

Sometimes you have to go vertical.

(by the way, I'm not comparing my shit to Pulp Fiction - just to be clear)


The use of leading dashes works great.

Tony Gilroy.

He's the master at that shit.

And you know what's also great?  Fragments.  They create white space and break up the monotony of long sentences.


The unmasking didn't play right in my mind's eye. And I reckon we can safely lose Six Foot's last line of dialogue and instead button the scene on:

-----

Tom rises, strolls toward the stairwell.

SIX FOOT SIX

Frozen. Not knowing quite WHAT to think.

Yes, you're right, there's no need for Six Foot Six's last line - but you'll be happy to know it was also cut in the later draft.  And yeah, I've never really cared much for the unmasking, either.  Never hit right.


"INT. BRICKWORK - THIRD FLOOR - NIGHT" -- Slight problem. We just cut from Tom and Red leaving the bank roof to Tom and Red in a corridor. Somewhere. Those paying attention can join the dots: Six Foot told Tom and Red 'she' is holed up 'in Brickwork.'

This was also fixed in the later draft.  "In Brickwork" -- was changed to "Brickwork Hotel."  With an added shot of the town and them approaching the hotel so that you could see the fruit pushcart and Isabel pacing in a window.


TOM

kicks the door in. It EXPLODES off its top hinges and hangs disabled. Seamlessly continues his momentum and rushes through.

-----

to something like...

-----

TOM

KICKS -- the door EXPLODES off its top hinges and hangs disabled. Momentum rushing him through into --

Would like to hear others thoughts.


I found this confusing for a moment. The guard races across the room 'for the rear, heading for Tom.'

I mean, come on.  How the fuck did I not catch this?  This is just bad writing on my part - Isabel is the one racing towards the rear.


"... claustrophobic recess" -- again, this felt unnecessary. How do we know the recess is tiny if it's veiled in shadow? And it can't be too claustrophobic if it's large enough to shelter a horse. Although from the horse's viewpoint, yeah, that tight squeeze will be claustrophobic, no question.

You answered your own question.

Also, since when does shadow equal no light?


I realise the author is shifting stylistic gears here with the 'AND TOM... AND ISABEL' but I'm not convinced it works any better than the regular (and briefer) character subslugging. If it works for you then mentally reinstate those ANDs.

Again, I'd also like to know if this messed with anybody.  Not something I do very often.

So anyway, I still hate the script.  I just don't think it's that interesting.  Sure, the action is sorta fun - but what else is there?  Nothing.  But I look forward to seeing what others have to say.

[Pitchpatch]

I don't mean to be criticizing what you wrote

Nonsense :-)  I critiqued you so fair's fair.  Got to push back to find the flimsy bits.

"... a small, disreputable town." -- 'disreputable' feels like the wrong word here.

Why?

UNNAMED TOWN I could buy as a slug.  That shows you deliberately chose to make the town anonymous, and the production designer will carefully adhere to that when designing sets and dressings: i.e. not a town name in sight on any storefront or awning.  I figured naming the town would help the audience build their internal geographic story map.  And I kept wondering how we know the town is disreputable.  If they're throwing a street party then things can't be all bad.  But I suppose a smart production designer would figure out how to present the town visually so that you get the 'disreputable' vibe in a glance.

"Buffeted by wind."

Yes, I was fixated on the mask because it comes last in the sentence.  A good example of a PPP (Pitchpatch personal preference) which is too insignificant to worry about because it solves a non-existent problem or perhaps one I invented due to a) my extraordinary ability to get distracted mid sent b) reading haltingly and analytically as a critic instead of naturally as a reader would or c) just plain being on the wrong track.

He smiles, leans forward, is about to finish..."

Rereading, I tend to agree with you.  There's a cadence and brevity to your original.  I'm glad I didn't mark up the page! (dodged that bullet!)

Last I checked, guns were scary

But isn't 'weapons' sort of a neutral word?  The word denotes a class of object, not a specific example.  Always good to be specific and concrete where you can.  And 'raised' felt equally sedate.  That's why I moved to sexy it up.  It's like saying "The car accelerated forward" in place of "The Chevy jumped ahead."

if she's scared to death

Probably just me.  I had it in my head that she'd be shades of recalcitrant and ornery.  But playing the opposite -- keen to speed these 'gentlemen' on their way -- works too.  The other thing with this section was, initially I was wondered if the 'their hands' referred to WHITE and BLACK.

tosses the last canvas bag through the air

Point noted re PULP FICTION.  Of course you are right.  You don't need to slavishly match sequences to their page timings.  My main beef with that sequence, I recall, was that it felt jerky and halting rather than smooth on the page.  Upon rereading that's still my impression.

Seamlessly continues his momentum and rushes through

I don't dislike the original.  It's not a long sentence, but kinda feels a mouthful... or a mindful... you know what I mean.  Thirteen syllables down to, I think, nine.  And 'seemlessly' coupled with 'momentum' felt like two bites of the apple.

"Also, since when does shadow equal no light?"

Good call -- I don't know why I was picturing darkness.  Sheesh, what, are there no shadows during moonlight, Pitch? (Whu-- Who's that... Who's whispering to me?  You weren't watching while I was... Never mind.)

'AND TOM... AND ISABEL'

The problem for me there was noticing you switching stylistic gears, and that broke my immersion for a moment.  Boom mic in shot!

So anyway, I still hate the script.

The remainder must be awful for you to feel that way.  The ten (eleven) pages I saw do not justify that reaction.  It's an intriguing, exciting action opening whose only crime as far as I can tell is not giving us a clear good-guy/bad-guy... but that could work in its favor if the rest of Act One fills in the blanks.

But I look forward to seeing what others have to say.

I wouldn't expect a flood of comments.  Bunch of slowpokes and looky-loos around these parts.  Talk about your disreputable communities... I mean, erm, we're a small site of fabulous but shy patrons and we don't get a lot of external traffic apart from Google, which likes to frisk us a dozen times daily.

[Pitchpatch]

And goddammit, yes, I need to read me some Tony Gilroy.  Can you believe I've managed to read exactly none of his scripts to date.  For shame.  I promise to remedy that soon.

[Jawbreaker]

But I suppose a smart production designer would figure out how to present the town visually so that you get the 'disreputable' vibe in a glance.

Correct du moondo.

Yes, I was fixated on the mask because it comes last in the sentence. A good example of a PPP (Pitchpatch personal preference) which is too insignificant to worry about because it solves a non-existent problem or perhaps one I invented due to a) my extraordinary ability to get distracted mid sent b) reading haltingly and analytically as a critic instead of naturally as a reader would or c) just plain being on the wrong track.

Just for the record, I wasn't dismissing you - in fact, I don't dismiss any opinion - just would like to see if it confused other people.  So all you looky-loos  - as PP so succinctly put it - need to get in here and chime in.

The other thing with this section was, initially I was wondered if the 'their hands' referred to WHITE and BLACK.

That's interesting.  I just assumed people would remember White was hanging out by the entrance.  On top of that, I only mentioned the Manager and Black.

My main beef with that sequence, I recall, was that it felt jerky and halting rather than smooth on the page. Upon rereading that's still my impression.

Fair enough.

I don't dislike the original.

Neither one really hits right.  Just wondering what others thought.

The remainder must be awful for you to feel that way.

Like I said before, it doesn't show us anything we haven't seen before - well, that and the character issues ripple through the rest of the script.  But the script did help me figure out action lines.  So yeah, there's that.

[Tom & Jerry]

I don't dislike the original.

Neither one really hits right.  Just wondering what others thought.

Pitch's version reads better.

[Jawbreaker]

Pitch's version reads better.

Again, I don't like either one ... but after re-reading it a few times, I think you guys are right.  Mine is a mouth full.