10PTT: Inception by Christopher Nolan

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Inception screenplay written by Christopher Nolan, © Warner Bros
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Available for public download on the warnerbros.com website.

Christopher Nolan. Inception. 10PTT.  What was I thinking?  Some of the edits I suggest here are small improvements, IMO; others are just moving the furniture around.  My approach is: if you can lose it and the underlying meaning clarifies or remains the same, it stays gone.

Predictably there's little room for improvement.  Nolan's mastery of the page mirrors his mastery of the frame.  As always I'm not arguing my edits are 'right'.  When the writing's this competent, the thin gray line between good writing and bad gets a whole lot thinner and grayer.  So mostly I get to point out all the things that work.  That's fun, too.

Nolan's pages are stretched tight.  Sparse, and efficient.  Driving the plot forward with the no-nonsense momentum we expect from this no-nonsense storyteller.

I did notice a few stylist habits that annoyed me.  I'll point them out along the way.

Okay, so

BWAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMPH

let's

BWAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMPH

do this

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMPH

dum dum dum dum
dum dum dum dum

thing!

...

BWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMPH

• Barrel, rifle, rolls -- so onomatopoeic.
• Strong verbs outlined in purple.  As we thumb through the pages watch how Nolan ramps up the frequency of strong verbs as the action ramps up and dials it down during the quieter scenes.

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• "Spins ... spinning... spinning..."; "circles gracefully... gracefully spinning" -- I'm not one for repetition on the same page, unless it's for deliberate effect.  Two sentences or parts saying the same thing wastes whitespace.  And it dulls the reader's participation.  You shouldn't do it on film (except for effect) and you shouldn't do it on paper.  Maybe here Nolan tries for a mesmerizing effect through the repetition -- notice also the repetition of "The Elderly Japanese Man STARES."  It could be deliberate.  Regardless, I wanted to lose the duplication of 'gracefully'.  So I contracted 'circles gracefully' into the single strong verb with the same meaning: pirouettes [to perform a pirouette; whirl, as on the toes].
• "... is at the table..." -- 'is', 'ing', 'were', 'was'.  Lazy, fat-bellied toads, one and all.  Keep a few for variation, but slaughter the rest and replace with active phrasing.  Achieved here by combining the two sentences.

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Move along. This page is mostly dialogue. For 10PTT's I ignore dialogue.  Move along.

WAIT!

"Cobb leans forward, holding Saito's gaze." -- I should've circled 'holding'.  It's a strong verb in this context: Cobb 'holds' Saito with his eyes, implying psychological force rather than physical power.

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• "A tremor starts, they steady their glasses, Cobb glances at his watch."  I'd argue these are run-on sentences, but it's used here to effect three rapid actions.  For me, three short sentences work better to denote three rapid shots: WIDE on the room; CLOSER on the group; then COBB.
• "The chair is up on the cabinet - the bottom of the legs level with the rim of the tub." -- an uncharacteristically awkward sentence, IMO.  Bottom of the legs of the table?  Cumbersome way to say the chair feet stand level with the tub.
  
• "Outside, a CHAOTIC DEVELOPING-WORLD CITY - the street filled with RIOTERS..." -- 'filled' is passive.  'Boiling' is a stronger verb.  But it's not fully active.  For that we need to switch 'boiling' for 'boils': "... the street boils with RIOTERS..."  Other strong verbs would serve equally well.
• "Nash looks at Cobb's watch..."  Sure, 'looks' is to screenwriting as 'said' is to writing.  But many times you can color the look and sneak in some context.  Obviously you want to match the strength of the 'looking' to the situation.  "Jim looks at the crushed remains of his father."  Um, no.  "Jane investigates the lunch menu."  Mmm, no.  On this page Nash isn't casually checking the time. Well, maybe he is.  But the audience sees the watch in close-up, revealing an important plot device: time slows down in each dream level.
  

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• Still only a sprinkle of purple strong verbs.  That'll change in a page or two when the action dials up.
• "Several TILES and pieces of MASONRY fall."  It's an active SVO (subject-verb-object) sentence, but hobbled by two things. One: 'several' is a horrible word.  Just horrible.  "OH MY GOD! The rotary blade slipped when I glanced at several passing bikini girls and I sliced off several fingers! GAAAAAAAHHH!  Can you believe it? SEVERAL FINGERS!"  Sometimes it's important to enumerate things, sometimes not.  Here I'd argue 'not.'  Let's use the broad stroke and move on quickly: "TILES and MASONRY fall."  Although, does 'fall' convey any urgency?  Not much.  What about: "TILES and MASONRY tumble."
• "Below them a black sea churns."  Oh man oh man.  Let me tell you how much I love that simple sentence.  First, it immediately orients the reader geographically, providing a spatial reference to picture the shot.  No time cue needed here.  If needed, that too would go at the start of the sentence.  Put your time and spatial references up front.  Second, 'churns' is strong and apt.  Well chosen.  Third -- slide into your protective nerd-proof suit because here comes a grammargasm -- 'below' and 'black, 'sea' and 'churns.'  The alliteration of B and S.  This sentence is a zesty meal for your mind, ripe and succulent.  And all it took was six short, punchy words arranged effectively.
• "She turns to look at him, amused."  Let the context work for you.  Only deliver the minimum required to get the job done.  "She turns to him, amused."  That's all we need.  The next line of dialogue is hers.  Let the reader work a little.  Let them connect the dots.  It keeps them engaged.  On the other hand, give them too little to connect and you'll lose them.

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• "Cobb is looking down through the window at the GUARDS patrolling the castle at ground level."  Predictably, I needed to rip out that 'is looking.'  So: "At the window, Cobb observes the GUARDS patrolling the castle at ground level."  But let's go further. "At the window, Cobb watches the GUARDS patrolling at ground level." -- leave out 'castle' because it's already in the slugline.  We haven't forgotten the location already.  Plus, in retrospect my choice of 'observes' seemed stilted, so I opted to notch it down to 'watches' which is still better than 'looking.'  Sixteen words trimmed to eleven, without losing meaning, IMO.
• "Cobb gets to his feet..." Why spend three words when 'stands' (or 'rises') does the job?
• "... letting out the rope..." -> "... lets out the rope..." -- is there a difference?  If not then use the shorter version.
• "... as he moves back to the window..." -> "... as he returns to the window..." -- very minor. Only someone hellbent on ruthlessly and doggedly shaving the word count would bother.  Which of course is me.  Huzzah!  Have at you!

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Purple attack!  With this many strong verbs you know Nolan just goosed the gas pedal. We've got ourselves Inception's first full action sequence.

• "He pulls a PISTOL from his belt, screwing a silencer onto the barrel as he GLIDES across the room." -- Often you can trust the reader to flesh out the context.  Give then 2 + 2 and they'll conclude 4 without prompting.  Pistol + silencer = screws to end of the barrel.  Must we detail the full action of screwing the silencer onto the barrel, or can we trust the reader to extrapolate?  "He pulls a PISTOL from his belt.  Screws on a silencer as he GLIDES across the room."
• Scene 14 has three consecutive sentences mentioning 'shadows.'  We get it.  To me it feels repetitive and labored.

The remaining edits on this page hack at some words that threaten to slow down the urgent pace.

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On this page the actions quiets for a moment... and then WHAM, right back into it.

Just the one potential edit:

• "Mal looks at Cobb, cold."  Nothing wrong with that sentence technically. But it kind of lies there limp and ineffective.  And we have to wait until the final word to discover the emotion underpinning Mal's gaze.  That means we don't filter the sentence THROUGH the emotion as we're reading.  Our brain must skip back and 'color' the look as 'cold.'  "Mal's cold eyes challenge Cobb."  "Mal's icy stare finds Cobb."  Or just a simple rearrangement: "Coldly Mal looks at Cobb."

The repetition of 'table' three times in close proximity makes me wonder if one can be erased, but no matter.

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The edits here are just variations on a theme.  Nolan's writing does a fine job and stands on its own.

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• "Nash puts his hand on Cobb's forehead and PUSHES HIM BACKWARDS - as Cobb starts to FALL BACKWARDS in the chair we are in SLO-MO, and we - "  Two things moderately bug me about that sentence.  First, the longwinded and rather mechanical description of Nash's action. Second, the repetition of BACKWARDS.  Save eight words and (IMO) write it more fluidly as: "Nash PUSHES on Cobb's forehead and Cobb starts to TOPPLE backwards in the chair in SLO-MO, and we - "  Or, to properly cue the slo-mo in the reader's mind: "Nash PUSHES on Cobb's forehead and in SLO-MO Cobb starts to TOPPLE backwards in the chair, and we - "

What a great moment to jump out of this awesome screenplay and end the 10PTT.

Ten pages and we're hooked.  We've glimpsed the tip of the dream-world iceberg and suspect there's a lot more hulking beneath the surface.  Nolan deftly interweaves exposition and action.  Had Nolan submitted the script under the name Tobias J. Knucklefunker, same result: no way a reader's putting this down after page 10.

One thing stands out: Nolan DRIVES the plot forward on every page.  Never a dull moment.  Very important.  You can fail on every other level, but if you deliver on that promise of "Don't be boring" then you've still got a chance.

Pitchpatch out!