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« on: April 24, 2011, 05:34 PM » |
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Pages reproduced here by permission. I'm not gonna go crazy marking up these pages because I already did a bit of textual tidying up on this last year, so that would be two bites at the cherry. Feel free to offer your own punch-ups or edits or observations. I remember laughing my ass off frequently when reading this script first time. No way could I picture anyone but Nick Frost playing the buddy sidekick LYLE. (Because Lyle enters around p.8 or 9, I think I'll toss in a couple extra pages beyond p.10 to show you why.)  There you go. I just ruined it by putting his face in your head. His agent can thank me later. So, page one. Kicks off with a shot description. Naughty. Don't write camera directions, they tell us. But how technical is FOLLOW... FOLLOW... STAY WITH... ? Not at all. Compare with CAMERA TRACKS WITH... No question that breaks the fourth wall and would be frowned upon. |
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« Last Edit: November 20, 2015, 06:35 AM by Pitchpatch »
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Pitchpatch
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« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2011, 05:34 PM » |
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Pitchpatch
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« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2011, 05:34 PM » |
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« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2011, 05:35 PM » |
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Pitchpatch
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« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2011, 05:35 PM » |
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"They shake hands and part ways." The "and part ways" definitely oversteps the scene button. Should go something like: Carter forces a smile and they shake hands.
CARTER
Will do.
Next scene...
Or maybe just lose everything after Mike's "Look me up if you're ever in Jersey" and let that button the scene. The parting handshake can be left as implied. "She reaches over to the laptop on the coffee table and makes a few clicks" -- doesn't sound nearly urgent enough. How about: "She lunges for the laptop on the coffee table and swats the lid closed." |
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« Last Edit: April 24, 2011, 07:12 PM by Pitchpatch »
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« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2011, 05:36 PM » |
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« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2011, 05:36 PM » |
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"so close minded" -- should be "so closed-minded" ??
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« Last Edit: April 24, 2011, 07:29 PM by Pitchpatch »
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« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2011, 05:36 PM » |
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« Reply #8 on: April 24, 2011, 05:37 PM » |
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"They transact." Holy baby Jesus, I think I'm responsible for that. And for my sins I'm leaving it untouched.
"Carter enters the store." Carter enters. Or maybe Carter enters with attitude: Slouches in? Bursts in, irritated?
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« Last Edit: April 24, 2011, 07:24 PM by Pitchpatch »
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« Reply #9 on: April 24, 2011, 05:38 PM » |
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« Reply #10 on: April 24, 2011, 06:37 PM » |
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So at this point we need to travel a bit farther into the page count to complete the setup. Carter's lost his job and his girl. What's the kicker?
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« Last Edit: April 24, 2011, 06:39 PM by Pitchpatch »
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« Reply #11 on: April 24, 2011, 06:38 PM » |
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« Reply #12 on: April 24, 2011, 06:39 PM » |
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« Last Edit: April 24, 2011, 06:55 PM by Pitchpatch »
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« Reply #13 on: April 24, 2011, 06:55 PM » |
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Jawbreaker
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« Reply #14 on: April 30, 2011, 06:50 PM » |
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Is this the same draft I read? It doesn't seem the same.
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