01PTT: 360 by Tim Earnheart

[Pitchpatch]

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Scriptshadow's review: http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2010/11/amateur-friday-360.html
Tim Earnheart's Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/vinnytman/status/25340040371

One page.  I truly am that lazy.  You thought I was joking.

From page one the writing didn't sit right with me.  Felt like Tim wasn't going the extra mile needed to punch it up, trim fat, and avoid repetition.

I won't describe each edit, but here's my thinking as I went along:

- Avoid passive: 'be seen', 'is', 'causing it to'

- What's with the repetition?  'slide/slides', 'smashes/smashes', 'causing the/causing it to'. (Ignore my slide-to-skid edit: I didn't see the other 'skid' waiting ahead.)  Try not to reuse the same words in close proximity except for deliberate effect.

Great to see another tracking-board member generating some buzz.  Best of luck to you, Tim.

[Jawbreaker]

Yeah, without your corrections... that'd be unreadable.

We are expected to put the movie on paper, are we not?  We're supposed to write the visuals we see on the screen, right?  So yeah, that means you write the shots. These stories have to be rendered CINEMATICALLY and you really can't do that without writing the shots.  But that's not enough.  You also have to make us FEEL what's happening.

That scene isn't intense or frantic.  In fact, it isn't anything... it's just... there.

It's an unimaginative/flat start.

Also, am I the only person getting tired of character descriptions?  Aren't they becoming a waste of page space?  After all, nobody is going to cast the lead as a hairy oaf.

Oh, and out of curiosity... did the story jump to a flashback after the wreck?

[Tom & Jerry]

Also, am I the only person getting tired of character descriptions?  Aren't they becoming a waste of page space?  After all, nobody is going to cast the lead as a hairy oaf.

I was thinking the same thing last night.

I started my latest script and it seemed like a challenge to stop and give a few word description of the character.  Plus, any more there are so many different styles going on that if you just leave it has plain jane it doesn't work,  I could have wrote-

20's, cute boyish looks

but instead I wanted it to pop so it's

22, a face that breaks hearts and muscles that moisten the driest vaginas.

But really, it's fucking character description, what does it matter. But if I leave it as the second, you get more out of it and maybe a reader will giggle and keep reading.  Who knows?  Not me.

[Pitchpatch]

yeah, the sweet spot is intro'ing your character BEING what they are, then narrative description is moot.

How come you switched from '20s' to exactly 22?  Is there a need to nail the age precisely?  Can you get away with 'early 20s'?

[Jawbreaker]

I was thinking the same thing last night.

I started my latest script and it seemed like a challenge to stop and give a few word description of the character.  Plus, any more there are so many different styles going on that if you just leave it has plain jane it doesn't work,  I could have wrote-

20's, cute boyish looks

but instead I wanted it to pop so it's

22, a face that breaks hearts and muscles that moisten the driest vaginas.

But really, it's fucking character description, what does it matter. But if I leave it as the second, you get more out of it and maybe a reader will giggle and keep reading.  Who knows?  Not me.

If I were you, I'd go second option.  It's funny.  But yeah, I'm to the point where I only give the age range of the character.  Everything else (like confidence or whatever) should come out through action.  Just tired of dealing with it.

[Tom & Jerry]

Wasn't a direct line from my script.  Just an example.  

I did use 22 in my script because my character is fresh from college.