10PTT: The Bunker by Clive Dawson

[Jawbreaker]

Pitch up to his usual, being quite informative and entertaining.  With that being said, I wouldn't have made it past the first five pages -- even with the much needed changes you made.  Just wasn't digging it at all.  A lot of the punchy stuff was trying too hard.  I also would've been a lot more ruthless in my editing.

[Pitchpatch]

I also would've been a lot more ruthless in my editing.

I wanted to. It's a struggle between expression and function.  Like a mother coyote able to feed only five of her six cubs.  She's eyeing the goofy runt of the litter, the one most assured to one day break its neck chasing a buzzard over a cliff. He won't make it as a hunter. He'll slow them down. He'll be trouble every day of his life. Logic says he needs to go. But damn, the way he chases his tail and snores on his back is just too cute. He stays because he enriches the world in other ways.

I say that not only as a man with a tail who snores on his back.

[Jawbreaker]

It's a struggle between expression and function.

Don't they go hand and hand?  Shouldn't a suspenseful scene be suspenseful?  It shouldn't come across as passive or flat, right?  Just look at that generator failing scene. That's a great example of what I'm talking about.  Just wasn't composed well at all.  You never really felt what the characters felt. But then again, he got a movie made - so what the hell do I know?

[Pitchpatch]

Shouldn't a suspenseful scene be suspenseful? -- yes.  I thought the generator-failing scene was okay. Nothing special, just adequate.  But wow, watch the filmed scene.  Any suspense on the page got kidnapped, beaten, issued a new identity and thrown from a speeding black Escalade somewhere in Costa Rica.

In the opening shot we get a nervous German soldier stalking through an underground tunnel, jabbing his torch this way and that as he goes... and the goddamn place is lit like a shopping mall.  I'm sitting there wondering, And he needs the torch why exactly?

[Jawbreaker]

Oh I don't doubt that one bit.  If there's one thing this proves, it's that the producers weren't up to snuff.  No producer worth their salt would've green-lit this.  It has not ready for primetime written all over it.

[Pitchpatch]

http://www.writersguild.org.uk/news-a-features/film/418-from-the-bill-to-beverley-hills.html

Clive talks about scripting Last Days On Mars, and his journey from The Bill to Hollywood.

Until its cancellation I was a regular writer on TV series The Bill, and had been for many years. I enjoyed writing for the show, particularly in its earlier incarnation of half-hour, stand-alone single dramas, but towards the end it became clear to many of the writers that the show was unlikely to survive; ITV had tampered with the format to the point of destruction. I’d written for other shows over the years but had never found another ‘home’ and, despite constant submissions and occasional development deals here and there, my original series and single drama ideas never seemed to find favour with the network heads. In short, my screen credits were limited, and once The Bill was axed my prospects in TV didn’t look good.

Fortunately, I’d never entirely given up on the hope of working in film. I’d had an original screenplay (a World War II psychological thriller entitled The Bunker) produced many years previously. Although I all but disowned the director’s turgid film version the screen credit itself was welcome and my screenplay continued to prove a well-received writing sample. Nevertheless a subsequent film project, funded by the UK Film Council, ended up in legal limbo due to the collapse of the production company, and my long-standing agent gradually seemed to lose interest in promoting me. Now, with my regular TV work gone, it was time to either sink or swim.

Against this backdrop, I decided to risk a little of my own money obtaining an option on a published short story, The Animators, by the prolific British author Sydney J Bounds. It’s an extremely creepy 11-page science-fiction thriller that I first read in an anthology many years ago, and I’d always felt it could form the basis of an effective film. A series of internet searches and emails to publishers finally led me to Philip Harbottle, the agent representing the estate of Syd Bounds. My initial query was polite and simple: were the rights to the story available, and if so, would it be possible to negotiate an option? To my amazement, the answer to both questions was yes. Phil was extremely accommodating and we eventually agreed an option for an initial sum, against a larger additional payment if the project went into fully-funded development...

(emphasis mine)

[Pitchpatch]

And here's the trailer for Dawson's LAST DAYS ON MARS...

[Pitchpatch]

I'm sad to report Dawson's THE LAST DAYS ON MARS is lousy.  Dull, pointless, plodding.  I'm curious now to read the script and see what, if anything changed between script and screen.  I started reading it a year ago but stopped not too far in because the first act wasn't gripping me.

I guess that answers my question.

Proves that you can be a good writer on the page, but if your story's not there...