10PTT: Monroe's Cabaret by Carl Johnson

[Pitchpatch]

MONROE'S CABARET by Carl Johnson
(pages used with author's permission)


Thanks to Carl Johnson for permission to conduct this 10PTT on MONROE'S CABARET.  As tradition dictates I ignore dialogue, which is a good thing because dialogue and I cross the street to avoid each other.  No, we're here to flagellate description only.

Standard disclaimer: I don't claim my revisions are “correct” or “right”.  In some cases my revisions are likely not even “good.”  They're simply mine – changes that were right for me, right now.

While this draft feels too stiffly written and overly narrator-ish, isolating us from the characters – ironically enough like the glass wall that incites the story – I like the two brothers and I want to know more about their strained relationship.  Relationships are crucial. Stories are nothing but character relationships that change over time, change through conflict.  I challenge you to not feel curious about Leonard, his sensitivity, his brutishness, and his dumbassery.  He's an underdog I can get behind.  My favorite moment in these pages is Leonard – having improvised an alternate plan to blow up rival Julian's taxi cab rather than cut the brake lines – gets knocked on his ass by the WHOMPING explosion everyone saw coming but him.  He's lying dazed on his back in the snow, gazing up at the star-glittering night sky...

-----

Leonard gets blown on his ass!

FRANCIS: Jesus Christ!

A high-pitched SCREAM comes from inside Julian's house.

Francis runs to Leonard's side as Julian's cab burns.

On his back in the deep snow, Leonard stares in awe at the brilliant and infinite stars blanketing the night sky.

LEONARD: It's so beautiful!

The lights go on in Julian's house...

-----

I love that disconnected epiphany.  It's a character moment actors live for.  The CU of Leonard's stunned, slack face; the dampened ringing of his concussed eardrums; Leonard blinking, blinking, eyes suddenly dilating as he sees, really sees that sparkling void of night and the childlike wonder floods in; and we CUT TO that magnificent speckled blackness and we agree before Leonard says so that, yes, the sky at night is a truly awesome thing.

And away we go.

[Pitchpatch]

1.

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INT. BAUDETTE CITY HALL - BATHROOM - NIGHT

FRANCIS MONROE (32) stares solemnly into the mirror while he washes his hands with great care.

          MONROE (V.O.)
     Good evening, Mayor and council members...
-----

If the running water is important, make it so, e.g. with a mini slug:

-----
SOAPY HANDS UNDER A FAUCET

FRANCIS MONROE (32) stares intently into the mirror, rinsing his already clean hands.
-----

How he washes his hands -- "with great care", "meticulously", "thoroughly" -- can tell us something about his personality.


2.

Is it important he be exactly 32?  It might be if this is a biography of a famous person.  I can't tell yet if it's the case here.  If it isn't important then use "early 30s" to widen the field of actors who can play this part.

"Slight build, sharp eyes" sounds a bit on-the-nose.  All main characters have "sharp eyes" it seems.  It's a generic descriptive term that adds nothing.  Let his actions and speech define him.


3.

"He's tense" is typical passive/declarative sentence.  This is textbook antithesis "show, don't tell."  See the above revisions where we let his stare show us he's feeling tense.  The overwashing of hands is another indicator.  Find the telltale signs and present them.  "Something is something" only encourages the reader to tune out.  Tuning out is the natural human response when we face a task that requires nothing from us.  The mind wants to be challenged and stimulated.  That won't happen if we're constantly telling, not showing.


3b.

Why is it important to say it's a laminate desk?  I don't know what "laminate" tells us about Harrison.  If we're meant to understand this is a fancy table them say so.  If we're mean to understand this is a plain, modest desk then say so.  If "laminate" adds nothing to our understanding then leave it out.  Initially I thought you were contrasting "unpolished" Harrison with his polished desk, but laminate does not mean "polished" -- I checked.  Laminate refers to construction in layers.  "Laminated" more closely suggests a protective layer of plastic, if that's what you intended.  If in fact you were contrasting unpolished/polished then may as well be direct about it: "Mayor Harrison, 38, unpolished and blue-collar, stoops over the polished veneer of his ornate desk."



4.  Again, these character ages are oddly precise.  Is it important they be exactly these ages?

"Soft, pale" -- description is a poor cousin to action and dialogue.  Being told a character is X and Y prevents reader participation.  You're giving them the answer before you ask the question.   But allow the reader to gradually understand a character through that character's decisions, actions, and dialogue, now you have engaged the reader.  You've offered them the driver's seat instead of shoving them into the passenger seat.


5. We don't need to see Leonard seated then moving to stand at the podium.  Let's just begin there.

UH OH.  As you will have guessed, I'm wrong about Leonard moving to the podium.  But that's not my (the reader's) fault.   You have a major ambiguity working against you here.  A particularly bad one.  Here's why.  We meet Francis Monroe in the prior scene.  In this fresh scene you introduce a new "Monroe": Leonard Monroe.  We do NOT know anything about Francis Monroe being in this scene because you don't mention him at all.  So, when you intro Leonard Monroe then immediately state "Monroe stands at a small podium..." we logically assume you mean Leonard Monroe has left his seat in the public area to stand at the podium.

"LEONARD MONROE ... sits in the ... public seating area.  Monroe stands at a small podium facing the council."

It's a somewhat jarring segue, but because you have not yet mentioned that Francis -- the man we met in the previous scene -- is in this scene too, we must assume there's only one Monroe present: Leonard.  It's not until a councilman calls him by name ("Francis") in page 2 that we realize, oh, the Monroe at the podium is Francis from the first scene, not Leonard Monroe from this scene.  Confusion!  Unfortunately, it's the kind that derails comprehension and forces your reader to go back and rethink what they just read.

You need to tell us early that Francis Monroe is in this scene, and you must be clear at all times about which Monroe we're dealing with.

And you should probably preface dialogue with first names only, or full names: "FRANCIS MONROE", "LEONARD MONROE".  This will go a long way toward keeping ambiguity at bay.  Generally, you'll use first names for main characters, almost always for the "good guys", and surnames for the "bad guys" and people performing in official positions.  There's sound psychological reasons for this.  First names bring a familiarity and empathy we don't get with surnames.  Surnames imply there's an emotional barrier between us and them.

"Two council members sit to Harrison's right..." -- I'd avoid the repetition of "council members".  Also, I'd move the spatial references to the start of the sentence, to give the reader those cues immediately.  How about...


6.

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INT. BAUDETTE CITY HALL - COUNCIL CHAMBERS - NIGHT

Francis Monroe stands [nervously? stiffly? relaxed?] at a podium facing THE COUNCIL.

Seated behind a long polished-wood desk, with two council members on his left and two on his right, is MAYOR HARRISON, 38, gruff and blue collar.

At a folding table adjacent is CLINT DOTAS, 42, a pudgy ghost of a man.

Alone in the public seating area sits a prematurely bald man with strong shoulders: LEONARD MONROE, 29.
-----



7.

Again, is it important this be from his rear pocket, not front pocket or side pocket or shirt pocket?  Why do we need to be so exact about which pocket?

[Pitchpatch]

8.

How?  One character looking at another is empty filler unless we get a sense of what the "look" means.  We get that on screen, where a "look" can tell us plenty.  But on the page it's just filler.  Either cut it and let the dialogue steer the context or make the sentence contribute to the scene:

"Harrison frowns at the council member."

"Harrison glares at the council member."

"Harrison moves quickly to shut down this line of enquiry.  HARRISON: That's not appropriate, Jim."

[Pitchpatch]

8a.

On first read, I thought he might be driving.  It's in the next paragraph you point out the cab is parked.  Let's get this moved up to prevent ambiguity.


9.

You still haven't told us what the relationship is between Francis and Leonard.  We assume one due to their shared surname.  We assume they're brothers, but until you confirm it on the page it's only a probability, not a fact.


10.

Hyphenate.

So this whole section becomes, in revision, something like:

JULIAN CASETTA, 40, pornstar mustache, sits in his parked Crown Victoria taxi cab combing his greasy black hair and checking himself in the rearview mirror.

Outside the open driver's window, Francis and Leonard shiver in the snow-covered street, talking to Julian over the cab's engine noise.

[Pitchpatch]

11.

Too much stage direction.  Cut the "looks at" stuff because it just clutters the page, adding nothing.


12.

Good example here of letting the dialogue give the stage directions implicitly.  "Fuck you, wop!"  "Easy" -- it's obvious Julian says this to Leonard in response.  The context permits no other sensible interpretation.  All we need is the additional wryly to tell us Julian turns now to address Francis.

[Pitchpatch]

13.

"Person X stands here, Person Y stands there."  Be less concerned about characters hitting their marks and more concerned with what they're doing.  What they do defines them, not where they stand.  Save the explicit spatial cues for when ambiguity or confusion might arise without them.

14.

I do like to see spatial cues at the head of sentences to give the reader an immediate point of reference from which to build their mental image, but obviously you don't want to stick rigidly to that guideline or the writing becomes monotonous.


15.

"A wall of glass separates Brandi from PATRONS near the stage who slide dollar bills through slots where the raised stage floor meets the glass."  Thirty-seven words down to twenty-five.


16.

"A few PATRONS" -- we used this exact phrase moments ago in the preceding paragraph.  The repetition feels jarring.  If the bar is sparsely populated then say so once and be done with it.

The chief problem with the original sentence is how it describes a few customers watching Jimmy change TV channels.  It's like watching a man who's watching paint dry: supremely unexciting.  So let's get through this quiet, sleepy moment as quickly as possible: "Other patrons at the bar watch JIMMY, 50, short and fat, stand on a stool to change channels on an old TV."  Is it important we see Jimmy drag the stool over and clamber onto it, or can we simply cut to him ON THE STOOL already, fiddling with the TV?  "Patrons at the bar watch JIMMY, 50s, short and fat, on a stool changing channels on the overhead TV."


17.

Context gives you everything already.  No need to reiterate what's already established.  The "he converses with Jimmy as he walks past" is especially egregious given it's all there in the next bit of dialogue.


18.

Initially I trimmed this sentence to: "Still playing with the TV, Jimmy turns to Monroe."  But even that felt unnecessary.  Is it important we know he's still fiddling with the TV as he replies?  I very much doubt it, unless this is planting a plot point for a future pay-off.  So let's just dump it all and let the dialogue play out, with all it implies in the way of actor physical bits.


19.

We know Leonard is doing bouncer duty on the door, so we can let previous context guide us in this scene and strip it back to bare essentials.

"Converses" appears way to much already.  Mix it up: talks, speaks, chats, scolds, whispers...

[Pitchpatch]

No notes for this page.

[Pitchpatch]

20.

Francis's prior dialogue match-cut of “I need your help with something” tells us Leonard is in the car with him.

Save the "I/E" for the shooting script.  It's implicit and it only fattens sluglines and slows reading comprehension.

"INT. MONROE'S CAR - NIGHT"


21.

Why spell out "television sets"?  I suppose it evokes an old-timey era, saying it in full like that.  I prefer the shortened sentences and the reclaimed whitespace.

[Pitchpatch]

21a.

I didn't mark it on the page (bottom of page 8) because it's an afterthought and it's stupidly, obsessively, needlessly particular.  But hey, this wouldn't be a 10PTT without at least one bizarre grammatical walkabout.

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Leonard nods with excitement as Francis slows the car.

JULIAN'S HOUSE

Francis pulls the car to the shoulder and kills the headlights and engine.

-----

We've got a clear segue from the prior scene.  We don't need the “Francis pulls the car to the shoulder.”  It's implicit.  Francis slows the car.  From there he can logically do one of two things: stop the car or accelerate away.

-----

Leonard nods with excitement as Francis slows the car.

JULIAN'S HOUSE

Francis kills the headlights and engine.

-----

“Francis kills the headlights and engine.”  That offers two interpretations, and both fit the narrative.  We know the car is moving slowly, creeping along at this point.  We know Francis either pulls to a stop before he kills the engine or he lets the car coast briefly with no lights or power until it rolls to a stop on its own.  I like the second reading.  It holds more sense of danger, more stealth.   If I'm in the Director's chair, that's how it's gonna play.  But I think most people wouldn't give it a second thought; they'd read it as “Francis has stopped the car.”

[Pitchpatch]

22.

Removing the repetition of "bed".  My instinct is to remove the passive "is tucked into bed."  Maybe: "KIMBERLY (8)... lies snuggled under her LITTLE MERMAID comforter."

[Pitchpatch]

23.

I question if this sentence is needed at all.  The "(O.S.)" in the wife's dialogue tells us her voice comes from another room.


24.

I'd argue we don't need any of the "from the plastic bottle" because it was moments ago we saw him take the bottle from the glove compartment.  That's still fresh in our minds.  So any mention of cologne already has a context.


25.

We already know where Francis is: he's walking "through the deep snow covering Julian's front yard."  So if we shorten this sentence to "Monroe (Francis) crouches behind a large tree" we understand that tree stands in the front yard.

"he turns" -- beware getting bogged down in stage direction and minutia.  We understand Francis probably needs to swivel to wave back at Leonard.  We can leave it implied instead of stating every little bit of connective action.

[Pitchpatch]

25a.

Here's another unmarked afterthought for top of page 11.  “Leonard crouches behind Julian's cab.   He whispers loudly from behind the car.”  I have two more notes to add.

First, we don't need two instances of “car”.  “Leonard crouches behind Julian's cab.”  Okay, we're done.  We know where Leonard is.  If he “whispers loudly” we know where the whisper's coming from.  So:

“Leonard crouches behind Julian's cab.   He whisper-shouts to Francis:”

Or we can cut the second sentence and put the whisper in a parenthetical:

-----

Leonard crouches behind Julian's cab.

LEONARD
(whisper-shouting)
I told you not to make fun of me for being bald.

-----

It's a direct response to Francis's dialogue, so we don't need further directions about whom he's addressing.  Maybe there's a better term for it than “whisper-shouting”, but I think it does a good job at suggesting amusingly ineffectual covert conversation.

My second afterthought note is this: When Francis gives the all clear, Leonard “walks to the side of Julian's cab.” Leonard is already crouched behind Julian's cab.  That's pretty close to the fuel intake.  He won't have to walk far.  Maybe two steps?  So why include the extra description?

-----

Leonard crouches behind Julian's cab...

[etc]

Leonard opens the fuel door, uncaps the fill spout...

-----



26.

Leonard is physically present in this scene.


27.

All of this is waaay too wordy for the tiny bit of action it describes.  Devote your words to the important parts and speed through the minor stuff.  Here's the spaghetti revision untangled:

"Leonard walks to the side of Julian's cab.  He uncaps the fill spout and stuffs the sock in, ignites it with a cigarette lighter and backs away."

This probably flows better written as:

"Leonard finds the fuel door on Julian's cab, uncaps the spout, stuffs the sock in and ignites it with a cigarette lighter, then backs away."

[Pitchpatch]

28.

We only need to mention "passenger seat/side" once.

Again, don't get bogged down in describing every little thing.  We need speed here.  They're beating a hasty retreat.  Rely on context and suggestion: "Francis gets Leonard up and into the Buick, then scrambles into the driver's seat and slams the door."


29.

I refuse to believe Julian simply "exits" his home, having heard an explosion in his driveway.  No, he'd "dash" out of that house, he'd "scurry", "tear", "hustle", "storm" out of that door, "barge", "blunder", "charge", "hurtle" out of that house.

[Pitchpatch]

29a.

Whoops.  I omitted the annotation for the final revision: “Leonard turns to Francis with a concerned look.”

“Looking concerned [troubled, worried], Leonard turns to Francis.”  Or perhaps:
“Leonard turns to Francis with concern.”
“Leonard turns anxiously to Francis.”

But honestly, that whole line can vanish with no dip in comprehension.  In fact I prefer it without the narrative interruption.  To me it feels funnier simply as:

-----

FRANCIS: You did good, Lenny.  You did real fucking good.
LEONARD: I CAN'T HEAR SHIT!

-----

Doesn't Leonard's panicky line say everything already?




FINAL COMMENTS

-- This feels to me like the start of a Coen Brothers movie.  I like the loving but discordant relationship between Leonard and Francis.  The attack on Julian's cab is a welcome action/conflict sequence set early in the story to get us hooked.

-- You need to let Francis be Francis, not "Monroe", just like Leonard Monroe is "Leonard".

-- Keep an eye on your verbs.  Go for punchy, active verbs.  And watch the passive sentences.  Flip them around to make them active mostly.

-- Skip over the small details, both in describing your characters and describing minor bits of action we can intuit ourselves without being told.  Know when to let the established context do the hard work for you.


10PTT over and out.